The Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by E.L. James

So, let’s start with this little old nugget of overrated crap.

The storyline is this: Young, innocent and beautiful girl (Ana) is lured into being the sextoy of an extremely wealthy, successful and emotionally stunted businessman (Christian). They indulge in countless BDSM inspired sexytimes, all of which is controlled and initiated by Christian.

Although Ana actually gets to come (mostly), these encounters aren’t erotic. Christian being incapable of actual feelings is merely using Ana as a jerk-off doll.

As the story unfurls, Ana transforms from being an akward, teenage virgin to a well-groomed career(-ish) woman with a great wardrobe. Ana is portrayed as falling for Christian though it’s quite impossible to understand why since he is such an emotionless douche. Since Christian is used to whipping women with different implements as a way of exorcising his demons (traumatic childhood, dead mother), it’s quite understandable that Ana who just wants some sweet lovin’ actually leaves him at one point. But Ana, who is depicted as being an extremely meek and spineless woman, returns to Christian and the spank-fest continues.

Christian is a total emotional void and Ana is a super emotional weakling but the story goes on with them becoming a real couple and, sort of maybe, in love. They even end up getting married. As a side-story to this relationship distaster, there is the villain trying to kill Christian but going after Ana instead. However, there is a happily ever after – naturally. But I think the attempt at a mystery/thriller as a side-dish is a total bust. It’s unneccessary, out of place and quite frankly poorly written. At the same time it only highlights the fact that the main story really isn’t enough to stretch into three books.

Is it obvious that I don’t like the 50 Shades trilogy?

There is just so many things wrong with these books. And it’s not that I mind BDSM sex descriptions, not at all. Those can be steamy as h*ll. But that requires a little something called ‘feeling’. If one of the two participating sexual gymnasts is an actual blank slate while doing the nasty to the second, it really doesn’t matter if she has otherworldly orgasms. ‘Cause it’s just so creepy. We’re talking robot-sex-creepy.

And no matter how hard I try, I can’t help getting annoyed at that spineless excuse of a woman who can’t stand up to robot-man. I just wanted to slap her over the head and tell her to woman up.

I can admit that there is an appeal to the whole cinderella-vibe (only naughtier) going on. I’m a feminist through and through, but the strong and assured man sweeping a woman off her feet is still kind of hot. If done in the right way. Which 50 Shades most definitely isn’t.

It’s a mystery how these books have become so popular. Sure, the sex scenes are explicit, but there are so many better books out there with really good explicit sex scenes! Sex scenes with two (or more) equally engaged and aroused human beings. Now that’s hot. Authors who can actually describe arousal in a way that captures and arouses the reader. E.L. James just can’t do that.

Also, I’m a bit miffed about how these books that have been so successful and even been turned into movies might affect young people. The main male character is a total d*ck and treats women like disposable objects all the while the main female character eats it up and falls in love. How can this be such a big hit?

Well. That was my take on an oldie that is not a goldie.